EzRA Cooks: How To Make Pasta Carbonara Without Pissing Italians Off

Ejii-chan is a big pasta fan; admittedly, these are the kinds of dishes that she cooks best. Being a fool who spends downtime during duty hours watching Vincenzo’s Kitchen and other Italian cooking channels on YouTube, I thought about trying out a dish that definitely won’t piss them Italians off. This dish is analogous to the Pinoy Adobo. Fuck it up, and the whole Filipino cyber community will gang up against you. Fuck Carbonara up, and you’ll forever be a stupido.

One lovely afternoon, we thought it would be great to stop by a nearby deli to pick up some ingredients.

Ingredients:

250g spaghetti/spaghettoni/linguine
4 eggs (3 yolks + 1 whole)
150g finely grated Pecorino Romano
150g sliced Guanciale
Freshly ground black pepper to taste
Starchy pasta water

For those seeking good quality pasta, paler yellow is the optimal choice! But if you happen to encounter pasta that is overly yellow in hue, exercise caution and avoid direct contact with your skin. Our selected pasta for this dish is spaghettoni–a slightly thicker variation of spaghetti–perfect for a hearty meal. A special shoutout to Ejii-chan for imparting her culinary expertise to this.

Guanciale and

To cook the pasta, follow the instructions on the package. If you are using spaghettoni, 11 minutes should be enough to achieve an al dente texture. Add some salt and pepper to the water, but avoid using too much, as we will add more flavour to the dish later with the Guanciale and cheese.

Guanciale and Pecorino Romano.

“Don’t use bacon. Don’t use pancetta. They’re for poor people. If you can’t find guanciale, then get your sh*t together and move to better neighbourhood.”

Uncle Roger
Sliced guanciale.

Slice the guanciale into strips.

Pecorino x egg yolk mixture. This will become the base of your sauce.

Grate the pecorino finely and mix it with the egg yolks. Whisk until the mixture has a pasty consistency.

Savouring the guanciale’s aroma while cooking. It just smells so good!

Gently heating the guanciale will cause the flavorful fat to melt and infuse the dish with its rich, savory essence. Taking the time to render the fat from the guanciale is crucial in creating a dish that is bursting with irresistible meaty flavor.

Starchy water from boiled pasta.

Once you have boiled the pasta, be sure to reserve some of the starchy water. This water is essential for creating a more cohesive sauce and pasta mixture, as it acts as a binding agent. Furthermore, the starchy water will enhance the overall taste of the dish, thanks to the salt and pepper seasoning that was added during the boiling process. So, don’t forget to set aside some of that starchy water!

Gently mix all the ingredients together in a pan, making sure to turn off the heat before the eggs cook and become scrambled. The final result should be a luscious and velvety texture with a subtle smoky flavor and a hint of peppery spice.

Top with more finely grated pecorino and freshly ground black pepper.

Enjoy your Carbonara! However, stick to the traditional recipe that excludes cream or milk. If you deviate from the original recipe, you might risk an Italian’s wrathful punch landing on your face. So, beware.

EzRA Cooks: Takoyaki

Even though it has been prepared at home, I can make an assurance that dish maintains a high standard of quality. To create this culinary delight, we visited a local Japanese grocery store to procure all the essential ingredients. But before anything else, let’s take a step back and delve into the details.

I procured a high-quality takoyaki pan from the online marketplace, Shopee. Despite the surprise it caused, I assured Ejii-chan that this impulsive acquisition would lead to a remarkable culinary adventure, offering an array of delightful flavors.

So here’s how you do it:

Ingredients:

All purpose flour
Corn flour/cornstarch
1 egg
Dashi stock
Cooked octopus pieces, preferably tentacles
Cabbage
Spring onions
Beni shoga (Japanese pickled red ginger)
Katsuobushi (dried bonito flakes)
Aonori (dried green seaweed flakes)
Takoyaki sauce
Japanese mayonnaise

Instructions:

  1. Make a batter by combining 1 egg, all purpose flour, and cornstarch. I didn’t really measure my stuff here. I just used ‘feelings’ like how Uncle Roger does it. Fine. Combine 1 egg with approximately 30g of flour, 30g cornstarch, and dilute it in 200mL of dashi stock. Consistency should be diluted like evaporated milk, not condensed.
  2. Prepare your stuff. Chop your spring onions, beni shoga, and the tako in small pieces that would fit inside your takoyaki balls.
  3. Pour oil in your takoyaki pan. Fill to probably about 1/8th or 1/6th of each pit.
  4. Pour batter on each pit. Drop everything in the cooking batter – chopped cabbage, beni shoga, spring onions, tako.
  5. Flip once side is formed enough to be flipped. Pour some batter again and form balls out of it.
  6. Your balls are done. Time to top them with everything umami – first with the takoyaki sauce (we bought the Otafuku brand but there’s a recipe on YouTube if you feel like doing yours from scratch), then the Japanese mayo (Kewpie), finely ground katsuobushi (I used a suribachi to finely grind mine into powder), the aonori, and lastly, with the katsuobushi flakes.
  7. Enjoy it while it’s hot.

(Yields 12 takoyaki balls)

Ejii-chan highly praised my initial attempt at preparing Takoyaki, referring to it as a “restaurant-grade”. She further requested more servings for her younger sister, who also expressed her utmost satisfaction with the dish.

Could you kindly suggest how we might best utilize the remaining 1kg of cooked octopus tentacles?